You Don't Have To Say You Love Me
by paulmcuk
Summary: Dan goes on a lonely vacation to sort out his feelings. While there he has an unexpected encounter, the impact of which will stay with him for the rest of his life. A tale of love found and love lost. And love found again?


"Goodnight, Natalie" said Dan to his friend who was still working away as he left.

"Goodnight? You can't leave. There's still work to be done."

"There is" agreed Dan. "But fortunately not by me."

"Life just ain't fair" said Natalie. "Ok, see you tomorrow."

"No you won't."

"Why ..." began Natalie before remembering. "Oh right, I forgot, you're on vacation."

"Not much of a vacation really" said Dan. "Just three days."

"Well it's more than I'm going to get any time soon. Are you going up to the cabin again?"

Dan nodded.

"Taking a chick?"

Dan grinned. "A chick?"

"Or poultry of any kind."

He laughed and shook his head. "No poultry. Just me."

Natalie sighed. "When was the last time you had a date, Dan?"

Dan pretended to think. "Hmmm, let me see. Do you have a 1997 calendar handy?"

"I'm serious Dan. A hot piece of property like you should not go un-rented for so long. Things might start to fall off."

Dan laughed. "I'm still in a pretty good state of repair. But I didn't know I was hot property."

"Well you are, take it from me."

Dan positively beamed at this.

"Which" continued Natalie, "is why you should be taking someone up to the cabin with you."

"Ok. Want to come?"

"I meant a girl."

"I always sort of assumed you were a girl Natalie. Or is it Nathaniel?" Natalie laughed and Dan continued. "Of course I've never actually seen you naked, which I think is kind of suspicious..."

"You know what I mean, Dan!"

"Sure I do. But I know I'd have more fun up there with you than with any girl I know."

"Serious?"

"Serious."

Natalie grinned. "Thanks, Dan. I'd really like to come up sometime. The pictures you've shown me look great."

"Well then, come."

She shook her head. "I wish I could but I can't. Not at such short notice."

"Pity. Maybe next time?"

"If the offer is still open."

"Count on it."

"Well, you have fun. All alone."

He smiled. "I will. What will you be getting up to while I'm away?"

"I'll be working. Someone has to."

"Apart from work."

"There's a card game at Dana's tomorrow night which should be fun. Girls only. I'm going to stay over."

"A card game" asked Dan. "Is that wise?"

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"Well you must remember what happened last time you got into a serious card game. And, unlike Jeremy, I can't see Dana or the others cancelling your debts because you look good in their shirts."

"That game was an aberration" insisted Natalie. "Just you wait, in two days time I'll be rich."

"Good. You can buy me a drink with your winnings."

"Be good and I might even stretch to a meal."

"I'll look forward to it." He looked at his watch. "Time I was going home. See you in three days."

"Goodnight, Dan."

It was a five hour drive up to the cabin but Dan had made an early start so he still had most of the day ahead of him by the time he got there. As always when he arrived he stood outside for a few moments to let the memories come flooding back. He didn't know exactly how old it was but his grandfather had owned it since before his father was born. Coming up here had been a regular Rydell family vacation while he had been growing up. They had stopped by unspoken agreement when his grandparents had died within a month of each other. Now they tended to come up as couples or, like him, as individuals. Usually just for a weekend.

Dan never had any kind of fixed agenda when he came up to the cabin. Nothing in particular that he wanted or needed to do. He came here to relax. Re-charge his batteries, and maybe think through any problems in his life.

He did a spot of fishing in the small lake by the cabin. Trying to catch Old Winston, the giant pike that family legend claimed resided in there. Actually Dan suspected that there was nothing at all alive in that lake - he'd certainly never caught anything. After the fishing he took a long walks along trails that he had walked with his father and grandfather. And he thought. He thought a lot. And the one thing that dominated his thoughts more than any other was Natalie.

He'd been thinking about her more and more lately. He was no longer in any doubt that he was in love with her. He'd tried to tell himself that his feelings for her were just those of a good friend. Brotherly. But it simply wasn't true. He had fallen head over heels in love.

He had tried to spot when it had happened but he couldn't. She just sort of crept up on him. Their relationship, at least as far as he was concerned, had moved seamlessly from attraction, to friendship, to love.

Attraction? Yes, there had been an initial attraction. In the early days he had considered asking her to go on a date. But something always seemed to get in the way. He had had relationships with work colleagues before and they always seemed to end in disaster, so that had made him wary. Then she'd had a boyfriend. Then he'd had a girlfriend. Then it was too close to the break-up for a new relationship. Plus they had quickly become friends. Too quickly. Before he knew it they had reached "the point".

What is "the point"? It's the stage of a friendship where it suddenly seems wrong or un-wise to ask out an otherwise attractive member of the opposite sex. Not that he had minded at the time. That's the point about "the point". Dating just doesn't enter either person's head. Natalie was his friend and he loved her in just that way.

And then, somewhere along the line Dan had moved into new territory. He had stopped loving her and was now in love with her. And it was starting to hurt, real bad. The worst part was seeing her with Jeremy. He would burn inside when he saw a kiss, or a touch. He didn't like to admit it but he had even started to look for signs of problems in their relationship. Something that might give him hope that they would break-up. But they seemed as solid as a rock.

And he knew that they would stay that way. She had dated a couple of jerks in the past who didn't know what they had and had let her go. But Jeremy was different. He was well aware that he had struck gold with Natalie and wasn't about to do anything that would jeopardise his relationship with her. Other guys might screw up, but not Jeremy.

So Dan had to sit and watch. He had joked to Natalie about his lack of dates recently but the truth was he had lost interest in other women. He only wanted Natalie. If he saw a beautiful woman on the subway he would just compare her Natalie and, in his eyes, it was no contest.

He wondered how Natalie felt. What if she and Jeremy did break up? What then? Was Natalie still at "the point". Would she see Dan as a potential replacement, or just a shoulder to cry on? He and Natalie flirted all the time but that was no guide. It seemed like they had been doing it forever. Strangers sometimes got the idea that they were an item but anyone who knew them took their flirting for granted now. Even Jeremy would smile indulgently when he saw them, seemingly completely confident that Dan was not threat.

If only he knew that Dan lived for those moments. The little flirtations. He loved giving her compliments and felt ten feet tall when she gave them back with interest. Just recently Dan had even found himself trying to engineer them. If he knew she was alone somewhere he would try to find some pretext to be there too. If she was going home alone he would work late just so that they could walk out together.

It couldn't go on he decided. He was getting obsessed and it wasn't healthy. When he had thought that she might agree to come up here with him for these few days he had barely been able to contain his excitement. The thought of three days alone with her had made his spirits soar. It was no good, he would have to tell her. He knew there was a possibility that doing so might put their friendship at risk but it was a risk he would have to take. Although, in truth, he doubted that Natalie would let their friendship be lost. She was too nice a person for that.

He would tell her he decided. As soon as he got back. She had even given him the opportunity. When he got back he would insist they have the meal she had promised him with her winnings from the card game. If she had lost, then he would offer to pay to "console" her. Them having a meal together would not, in itself, be an unusual event. It wouldn't be the first time they had done it. But this time would be like no other. This time he would reveal his feelings to her. Whatever happened after that, he knew that he would feel better for her knowing the truth.

Having made his decision Dan found that he already felt better. He also suddenly realised that he was very hungry and he headed back to the cabin for something to eat.

The next morning Dan went outside to breath in the morning air. It was a habit he had acquired from his father who used to do it, and would take the young Dan out with him. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Hey, Dan."

He whirled round at the unexpected sound of a human voice, and was astonished to see who was standing there. "Natalie? What are you doing here?"

"That's a nice welcome."

"I'm sorry" he said. "I'm pleased to see you, Natalie. I always am. I'm just surprised that's all." He looked around. "Where's your car?"

"I didn't drive" she said not very informatively.

"But...what made you decide to come up here?"

"I wanted to see you. Before I go."

"Go? Go where?"

"I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" Dan frowned. "I don't understand. Leaving CSC?"

"Leaving everything. I have to go away, Dan."

He shook his head. "You're not making sense, Natalie. Where are you going? Why?"

"I can't explain."

"You can't just leave like that."

"I don't want to go, Dan. I have to. There's no choice."

"For how long?"

She said nothing. Just looked at him with incredible sadness. Slowly the realisation dawned. "You mean forever. Don't you."

She seemed to think for a moment before replying. "Not forever, Dan. We'll see each other again. I'm just not sure when."

"No" he said firmly. "Don't go, Natalie. Whatever the problem is we can sort it out. I'll help you, do whatever it takes."

"There's nothing you can do."

An edge of desperation crept into his voice. He knew that he was getting close to revealing the true extent of his feelings but he didn't care. "I won't let you go. If you go, I'll follow you and bring you right back."

"Don't follow me, Dan. Not yet."

Dan walked towards her and put his hands on her arms. "Just tell me what's wrong Natalie. Explain why you feel you have to go."

She reached up and touched his cheek. "I can't, Dan. Believe me, I wish I could. But you'll understand in time."

"In time?"

"Soon."

Dan searched for other levers to use. He was desperate for anything that might make her stay, even his undeclared rival. "What about Jeremy? And Dana? And everyone else?"

"They know. Or soon will."

"But..."

"Please don't ask any more, Dan" said Natalie. "I don't want to argue. I want my time here with you to be something special. Something to remember, always." She looked deep into his eyes. "I said you would understand soon and you will. I promise you that."

Dan didn't press any more. His mind was already racing ahead, evaluating the situation. He reasoned that she couldn't just up and go. She would have things to sort out. Maybe work out her notice. The more he thought about it the more he decided that she was just being overly dramatic. There would be time, back in New York, to find out what was wrong and help her through it.

Natalie had wandered up to the cabin. "Aren't you going to show me around?"

"Do you want the big tour or the little tour?"

"What's the difference?"

"The little tour is just the cabin and the lake. The big tour takes in every spot in these hills where I played as a kid."

She smiled. "Well I can't miss all that. I guess it will have to be the big tour."

"Do you have time?" asked Dan.

"I'm here all day." She looked at him. "That's if you want me to stay."

"Of course I want you to stay. Nothing could be better." He looked around. "Did you bring any luggage" he asked.

She shook her head. "I don't need any."

"I guess" said Dan who never went anywhere, even for just an overnight stay, without two changes of clothes.

"You do have a spare toothbrush I suppose?" asked Natalie.

Dan smiled. "I think I still have the one my grandpa used to clean his dentures with."

Dan spent the rest of the day on cloud nine. Natalie, his Natalie was here with him, and him alone. They fished in the lake and to his surprise caught enough fish to make a meal for the two of them. They went walking and Dan showed her all his old childhood haunts. He regularly re-visited such places but somehow Natalie's presence made them seem more real, made his memories seem more vivid. Maybe she just makes me feel like a child again, he thought.

It was early evening by the time they returned to the cabin. Dan was tired but at the same time exhilarated. Natalie seemed to have boundless energy and immediately set to making a fire on which to cook their fish.

"We can cook them on the stove" Dan had said..

"The stove?" said Natalie. "And I thought you were a rugged outdoor type. If you catch a fish yourself you have to cook it outside over a flame. It's the law."

Dan had laughed and surrendered. He had shown her to a patch at the back of the cabin where a round patch of grassless earth gave evidence of years of Rydell family camp-fires. Natalie had collected wood for the fire and had even made a spit for the fish - spurning Dan's offer of a frying pan.

"Do you want some matches or are you going to rub some sticks together" asked Dan.

"I could you know" she said. "But it would take a little time and I can see you're hungry."

Natalie cooked the fish and Dan said it was the best he had ever tasted.

"That's because we cooked it over a fire" she said.

They also drank coffee which they made inside. Natalie had wanted to put a pot of coffee on the fire "like in the cowboy movies" but Dan had refused saying that it would ruin his grandma's old pot.

They sat and talked about nothing much. Dan kept waiting for "the right moment" to confess his feelings for her but, as so often happens, the right moment stubbornly refused to present itself. Eventually it got dark and the fire died down. It wasn't cold but there was a slight chill in the air.

"Should we go in?" asked Dan.

"I think so" said Natalie. She looked at her hands. "I think I need a shower. The smoke from the fire has turned me into Al Jolson."

"I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles" said Dan. But he didn't have to. Her beautiful smile was just four feet away.

Natalie emerged from the bathroom all clean and glowing. All she was wearing was a pair of white ankle socks, and one of Dan's shirts. She saw Dan looking at her with a grin on his face. "Go on" she said putting her hands on her hips. "Say it."

Dan feigned ignorance. "Say what?"

"You know."

Dan smiled. "Ok. You look really cute in my shirt."

She raised her eyes to the ceiling. "Men are so predictable" she said.

"We can't help it" said Dan. "I think it's genetic. One day scientists will discover the 'girl in guy's shirt gene' and cure us all."

"Tell them not to bother" she said. "We love it really."

"Then it's a perfect arrangement."

"So, cute as I am, how do you plan to entertain me tonight?"

Dan shrugged. "There's not a lot to offer" he said. "We have no TV."

"Glad to hear it" said Natalie. "There's no point in trying to escape modern life if you just take it all with you."

"That's what my dad always says."

"Wise man."

"But he did make one concession to the twentieth century." He indicted a hi-fi system sitting unobtrusively in the corner.

"Ah, music" said Natalie. "The very thing." She wandered over to check out the selection.

"All vinyl I'm afraid" said Dan. "We've never got around to bringing up a CD player."

"No problem" said Natalie. "CDs are overrated anyway." She browsed through the albums in the rack a while before pulling one out. "Oooh, The Best of Dusty Springfield. I love Dusty Springfield."

"So do I" said Dan.

Natalie sang a few lines. "The only boy who could ever reach me....was the son of a preacher man." She turned to him with grin. "Are you the son of a preacher man Dan?"

Dan smiled. "If I am my Dad has a lot of explaining to do."

"This is what we'll play" she said taking the record out of it's sleeve and placing it on the turntable. After a few moments Dusty's voice began to fill the room with the opening lines of the first track - 'I only want to be with you'. Natalie's voiced mixed with hers.

"I don't know what it is that makes me love you so....I only know I never want to let you go..." she went over to Dan. "Come on, Dan, let's dance."

"Here?"

"Yes here." She grabbed his hand and pulled him from his seat. Dan was a little self-conscious about dancing in the middle of the room but Natalie's enthusiasm was catching and he soon warmed up.

".....It's crazy but it's true..." sang Dusty & Natalie, "...I only want to be with you..."

And so it went through the tracks. Then the final track on the first side began and Natalie seemed to change.

"When I said, I needed you...you said you would always stay..." sang Dusty.

"This is my favourite" said Natalie quietly.

"Mine too" said Dan wondering what had caused her change of mood.

She looked at him with an intensity he had never seen before. "Let's make it our song, Dan. Always think of me when you hear it."

"I don't need a song to make me think of you, Natalie."

"Promise me, Dan. Promise me this will be our song. You have to promise."

Dan was startled by her anxiety. He took her in his arms and held her tight. "I promise."

They stayed like that for the rest of the song. Not dancing exactly, just gently swaying in time to the music. Dan revelled in the closeness of her. Smelling her hair and freshly scrubbed skin, wanting the moment to last forever. Natalie sang along softly as they moved together. "You don't have to say you love me, just be close at hand...You don't have to stay forever, I will understand."

They stayed entwined for a few moments as the song stopped and the playing arm, having reached the end of the side, lifted itself from the record and moved back to it's rest. Slowly they pulled apart, but only slightly, they didn't relinquish their hold on one another.

Dan started into Natalie's deep brown eyes. "I love you" he said simply.

Natalie returned his gaze. "You don't have to say you love me, Dan" she said. "I know."

"You know?"

She nodded. "Suddenly I know so many things I wish I'd known before."

"And you?" Dan was fearful of what the answer might be.

"I love you too, Dan. I will always love you."

Dan awoke the next morning with a feeling of incredible elation as he recalled the previous nights events. He looked over and was surprised to see that Natalie was no longer in bed. She's probably making breakfast he thought with a smile. The first of many breakfasts that they would share from now on.

He went out of the bedroom but no smell of cooking or coffee reached his nose. He checked the bathroom but she wasn't there either. Puzzled he wandered outside. No sign of her. She couldn't have gone? Could she? He ran back into the bedroom. Her clothes were no longer there and his shirt, the one she had worn, was lying on the floor where she had thrown it the night before as they had fallen into bed.

He ran outside again, calling her name. She had gone. She had really gone. She must have got up early and called a cab. But why? Had he done something wrong? Then he remembered the conversation they had had when she first arrived, a conversation that he had forgotten in his joy. "I'm leaving" she had said. "I wanted to see you before I go."

That was what she had said. But surely that no longer applied? Not after last night. She couldn't leave after last night. What could possibly make her leave him now?

He tried to rationalise, tried to quell his rising panic. Something was troubling her, that was clear. But what could it be? Jeremy? No, her actions last night showed that Jeremy was not capable of hurting her so badly that she would leave. Maybe her parents were sick? He shook his head. She would have told him straight away and gladly accepted his help.

No, he realised, whatever it was it was something more than that. Something that would make her unable to face him. Maybe she was worried about his reaction when he found out. But what? Could she be sick? Really sick? Could she have committed some terrible crime? His mind raced with possibilities, each one worse than the last. But he knew one thing for sure. Whatever the problem was, there was no way he was going to lose her now. He would help her through it, no matter how bad she thought it was.

His immediate reaction was to pack up the car and set of for home straight away. But he decided to wait. If Natalie felt she needed space he would give her it. He would go back at the time he had planned, and then he would call her. That was what he would do.

So he made breakfast, but didn't eat it. Then he cleaned up the cabin, packed away his luggage, and drove home.

When Dan returned home he tried to call her but all he got was the answering machine - and he didn't think he could say what he had to say in a message. He tried her mobile number but an electronic voice told him that "the cell-phone you have just called is not switched on". Maybe she was at Jeremy's he thought, and the thought displeased him. He couldn't really call her there. Could she be at work? Possible, he thought. Her was just about to dial her work number when the doorbell rang. He smiled. She had found him instead. But it wasn't Natalie. He was surprised to hear Dana's voice through the intercom. "Can I come up, Dan?" was all she said.

Dan was shocked when he opened the door to her. Her arm was in a plaster cast and her face was covered in lacerations. The puffiness around her eyes told him that she had been crying.

"Oh my God, Dana" he said "what happened."

"There was a crash" she said quietly. "A truck hit the bus I was riding."

"Are you ok" he asked although it seemed a stupid question.

"Apart from what you see" said Dana.

"When did this happen?"

"Yesterday morning, on the way to work. I just got released from hospital." She took a deep breath. "Dan, there's...."

"Should you be here? Shouldn't you be home resting?"

"I was on my way home but......something made me come here first. I don't know what. I was, sort of, compelled. Dan, there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it?" Dan was unnerved by the seriousness in her voice.

"It's Natalie."

"What about her?"

"She was on the bus too, Dan." She paused but when Dan didn't respond she carried on talking. "She stayed at my place and we were riding in together."

"I don't understand. Natalie was..."

"She's dead, Dan. Natalie's dead."

Dan just slowly shook his head at her.

"It was very quick" said Dana. "The doctors say she would have been in no pain. Wouldn't even have known what happened."

"You're wrong, Dana" said Dan vehemently.

"Dan, I know it's hard but..."

"You don't understand. It can't be. I know it can't be. Natalie wasn't on the bus yesterday, she was..."

Dana interrupted him, moving towards him. "I was there, Dan. I saw her. I had to identify the body." She shook her head at him as she began to cry. "She's gone."

Dan stared at her for a moment, stunned. Then it hit him. He staggered backwards as if struck by a blow. "No, no, no, no, NO!" He lashed out at the TV with his foot, knocking it over. He picked up a chair and hurled it against the wall. Tears were flowing uncontrollably from his eyes as he stood in the middle of the room. He put his head in his hands and murmured Natalie's name over and over.

Frightened by his initial violent reaction, Dana slowly moved over to him. She put her good arm gently round him and after a moment he moved to hold her. The two friends held each other, merging their tears, sharing their loss.

How Dan made it through the week he would never know. On-screen he was his usual self, but off-screen he was morose and lifeless. Dana had asked him if he wanted to read the tribute to Natalie she had written, at the end of the following night's show, but he had refused. He knew that he wouldn't be able to got through it without breaking down. Casey had read it, but was visibly distressed as he did so. At the funeral Dan had broken down and Dana had had to lead him away.

Aside from Natalie's death, Dan also had to come to terms with what had happened at the cabin. What had happened? He could not think of what he had seen that day as a ghost, it was something much, much, more than that. And it was something that he could never reveal to anyone.

By the end of the week Dan could take it no more. He went to see Dana.

"Dana, I think I need a few days out."

Dana wasn't blind to Dan's reaction to Natalie's death. "Take as long as you need, Dan."

"I'm sorry about this" said Dan. "I know it's hard for you as well. And with Jeremy being away and everything."

"We'll manage, Dan" insisted Dana.

"Thanks. I thought I'd get away for a while."

"Where will you go?" she asked although she knew the answer.

"Up to the cabin." Where else?

When Dan arrived at the cabin he didn't go in. Instead he walked straight down to the lake. He stood at the edge of the short jetty staring at the still water. It would be so easy, he thought. End the pain right now. Maybe she would be waiting for him on the other side? He moved forward so that only his heels remained on the jetty. He swayed a little, then let himself fall forward.

He didn't move. Some force was preventing gravity from claiming his momentum. He was propelled backwards as if he had be pushed and he was forced to take a few steps back.

"Don't follow me Dan. Not yet."

Dan whirled around looking for the source of the voice, her voice. But there was no-one there. And the voice had not been one made of sound, it had been inside his head. He stood for a few moments, his heart pounding. Then he remembered that she had said those same words on that day. She had known this might happen and had told him not to follow her. No, he realised, Natalie would not want this. Painful as it was he would have to live his life - even though his heart had already died.

.

As Dan entered the cabin he did not get the usual rush of childhood memories that he usually did. This time he could only remember that day. Why had he come here? He didn't know. Now that he was here there didn't seem to be anything to do. At least back in New York there were distractions, things that could make him forget the pain, if only for a moment. Here all he had to do was think. So he went for a run. It had started out as a walk but the thoughts of her had come flooding into his mind, and with them the aching of his loss, and he had began to run in an attempt to drive them from his brain. He pounded across the old trails until he reached the cabin again and collapsed exhausted onto the couch. There he slept.

When he awoke he felt calmer, refreshed. He even managed to eat a little food, something he hadn't done in days. Afterwards he wandered over to the hi-fi. "The Best of Dusty Springfield" was still on the turntable, although he was sure he had put it away. He was about to put it away, deciding that he wouldn't be able to listen to it ever again. Then he remembered his promise. Their song was on this record. So he played it. And as the music began a scent filled the air. A scent that Dan remembered only too well. It was the scent of Natalie. Not the scent of her perfume, the scent of her. It was the sent of her hair, her skin, and more. It was as if the very essence Natalie, everything she had been, and everything she had felt for him was present in that aroma.

Dan breathed it in. The memories came flooding back. He re-lived that last day in his mind. But this time there was no pain. Just him and Natalie. He knew then, that as long as he was able to return to this place, he would never truly lose her, she would never be truly gone.

FORTY YEARS LATER

"I really don't think you should be going up there in your condition" said Casey.

Dan sighed. It wasn't the first time he'd had this conversation. "I'm going Casey."

"But what if you get sick again?"

"Casey, I am sick. And there's nothing anybody can do about it." Dan was suffering from "Spartan Vischemia" one of the new, and so far untreatable, cancers that had emerged over the last twenty years. Along with several new cancers, the twenty first century had seen a number of diseases mutate into new, more dangerous forms, including HIV, CJD meningitis, and the old favourite, tuberculosis. Dan supposed that it was all Natures way of trying to keep the human race in check yet, in spite of that, average life expectancy had risen. In an age when most Americans could reasonably hope to reach 120, Dan was dying before he'd reached his three score years and ten.

Not only was he dying. He was dying soon. His doctors had told him that there was nothing more they could do. He no longer had much quality of life. Any movement was a struggle - and he was in constant pain. So he had made a decision. Tomorrow was the anniversary of Natalie's death and he was going to make his annual pilgrimage as usual to the cabin. But this time he would not be back. This time he was going up there to die.

"Ok" said Casey. "If you really want to go, Dana and I will come with you. We could do with a break, some fresh air. It'll be fun."

Dan shook his head. "Thanks for the offer, Casey, but I'd rather be alone."

"But...."

"Don't push it, Casey" said Dana. "His mind is made up."

Of the three friends that had gathered around Dan's table for dinner, only Dana suspected the truth. She had been surprised by the intensity of Dan's reaction to Natalie's death and had realised that his feelings ran deeper than he had ever let on. She also suspected that something had happened at the cabin, that he somehow felt closer to Natalie there, and that he wanted to be as close to her as possible at the end.

There wasn't much talk. The anniversary made it a solemn occasion and besides, they had known each other for so long that there wasn't much left to say. Dan regarded his friends. They hadn't changed much in forty years. They looked like they had maybe aged twenty - but that wasn't unusual any more. He on the other hand looked even older then he was, the cancer, and the treatment, had prematurely aged him. He reflected on their lives since Natalie's death. Jeremy had married five years later - and he had remained so despite all the odds, although she wasn't with him tonight. Casey and Dana had also married, in '02. Then they had divorced in '04. Both had married other people before re-marrying in 2010, this time for good. It had taken them an awful long time to realise what everyone, especially Natalie, had always told them, that they were made for each other. She would have been pleased, thought Dan.

And Dan himself? He had never married. Never even had another serious relationship. He had tried. He'd dated - Casey and Dana in particular had introduced him to lots of women. But he had eventually realised that the only he women he could ever truly love, the only woman he could ever want, was gone - and that he could never replace her. Dana had seemed to realise this too, and had stopped trying to set him up with dates. Casey kept trying for a while longer, before Dana made him stop. And as for Jeremy. Dan often wondered how much Jeremy suspected about his feelings for Natalie. He had never raised any concern but Dan had a feeling he knew.

The approach of death had made Dan reflect on his life. He had asked himself if it had been worth it. Had he just wasted his life waiting for a dead woman? But he knew it had been worth it. The burning intensity of his love hadn't dimmed over the years. In the time he had known Natalie, Dan had loved, and had been loved - enough to last a lifetime.

Dan rose to go to the kitchen, pre-empting three offers of assistance with a wave of his hand. "I have a bottle of English wine I've been saving" he said.

"Ah, the good stuff" said Jeremy. He wasn't joking. Climatic changes had made the south of England perfect for growing grapes. Of course this was scant compensation for those people on the south coast who had suddenly found their houses underwater. It didn't do much for property values.

Dan returned with the wine and allowed Casey to uncork it - his own hands not having much grip any more. Casey poured out four glasses. Dan raised his glass. He had prepared something for this moment. "To our friend Natalie" he said. "She enriched our lives beyond measure and we will never forget her. May she be bringing as much joy and love wherever she is now, as she did when she was with us."

"To Natalie" the others responded. Dana was unable to stop the tears and Casey and Jeremy were also struggling. None of them heard when Dan added quietly. "I'll see you soon Natalie."

After the meal they spent the evening reminiscing. They talked of many things but the conversation always returned to Natalie - it always seemed to be the case. It was as though she'd lived enough in her few years to have a lifetime's effect on those who knew her. Everyone else was just catching up.

Eventually Dan's former colleagues prepared to leave. As he said goodbye to Casey and Jeremy, they made the usual noises about meeting again soon. But when Dana came to say goodbye she kissed him, then hugged him tightly. "Goodbye Dan" she said, in the tone of one who knows that this goodbye will be the last. Then in his ear so that the others couldn't hear, "I hope you find her.".

Once his friends had left, Dan packed a few things into a small bag - he wouldn't need much luggage. One of the few things he took was a shirt. A shirt so old that it was almost falling apart. He never wore it, but he was never without it. Then he dialled up a PTV for the morning (Public Transit Vehicles - taxis to you and me - were, apart from buses and trains, the only way to get around since the banning of privately owned cars ten years earlier). Before he went to bed he e-mailed some instructions to his lawyer. His final instructions.

The PTV driver looked admiringly at the cabin. "Is this an original?" he asked. "Real wood and everything?" Dan nodded. "Wow, you don't see many of these any more. Not in such good condition."

He removed Dan's minimal luggage from the trunk and looked at what he saw as a frail old man.

"Look" said the driver, "I know it's none of my business but are you sure you should be up here alone. You don't look too well."

"I'll be fine."

"It's just that the nearest doctor is miles away."

"I won't be needing a doctor."

The driver shrugged. "Ok. You're the boss." And he took Dan's luggage inside.

Dan waited outside until the driver re-emerged - he wanted to be alone when he entered. He pressed his thumb against the key-pad that the driver proffered to authorise payment. Then the driver departed and he was alone. He took a deep breath and went inside.

Nothing had changed. Of course it had only been a year since he had last been there. But nothing had really changed since that day forty years earlier. The only concession Dan had made to the 21st century was to install solar panels - and only then because legislation forced him to. Everything inside the cabin was an antique - including the old hi-fi system. Incredibly it was still functioning. The only thing he had had to replace was the stylus and he had been able to do so because, despite all the new technology that had arrived over the years, vinyl had stubbornly refused to completely die. Enough "vinyl purists" remained to support a thriving market in both records and parts.

Dan picked up the Dusty Springfield album. It too still survived. Maybe the purists were right he mused - this piece of vinyl had certainly outlasted any of his CDs. There were no "CD purists" to keep that format alive. But then, he had only played this record once a year for the past forty. He put the record down. Not yet. He wanted to prepare first.

He took his time. He made himself a meal. He even managed to go for a short walk. Then he placed the record on the hi-fi, lowered the needle - his hand shaking violently as he did so - and sat down to wait.

As the first track crackled into life the scent of her filled the room again, as it had done every year since she died. He breathed deeply and he let his mind take him back to that night. The last night that he had ever been truly happy. The only night that his life had ever felt complete. Each song brought memories flooding back. The tears started to flow, as they always did, but he made no effort to stop them. As Dusty sang "I close my eyes and count to ten", Dan mimicked her and closed his own eyes. It was better like that. In his minds eye, Natalie was still there, had always been there. Slowly his breathing became more regular.

He opened his eyes abruptly. Had he slept? He must have done. The record had skipped a few tracks since he closed his eyes. He was glad he had wakened. The next song was special and he didn't want to miss it. He sat back again as Dusty began to sing "When I said, I needed you...you said you would always stay..."..

"They're playing our song Dan."

He turned sharply at the sound of the voice - the voice he recognised because it was etched into his very soul.

And she was there, standing there in the middle of the room, just as she had done forty years previously.

Dan could only stare for a few moments. "Natalie?"

"It's me, Dan."

Dan got to his feet. For the first time in years there was no pain. Suddenly he felt young and strong again.

"Are you really here?"

"I've always been here."

"But...all this time?"

She smiled. "Time is...different…for me now."

Dan stared, drinking in the sight of her. She was as beautiful as he remembered. "You haven't changed" he said.

"That's one of the compensations."

Dan moved a few paces closer to her. "Is this a dream?"

"No, Dan. No need for dreams any more."

"I don't understand."

She laughed. "You never used to be so slow on the uptake."

Realisation slowly dawned on Dan. He looked at his hands, no longer frail and wrinkled, but strong and smooth. He turned to the seat he had been sat in. There was an old man sat there - a man that Dan barely recognised. He looked back at Natalie with a question in his eyes.

She nodded. "It's time to follow me, Dan. Are you ready to go?" She held out her hand.

Dan started at it for a moment before reaching out. His fingers met hers and slowly intertwined with them before he gripped her hand tightly.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Does it matter?"

Dan looked into her eyes. Her beautiful, deep, eyes. "No" he said.

And it didn't matter. It didn't matter at all.

THE END


End file.
